The coping strategy isn't the real problem
Do you ever ask yourself,
"Why do I keep doing this?"
Maybe you reach for your phone whenever life feels overwhelming. Perhaps you throw yourself into work, eat when you're not hungry, pour another glass of wine, or withdraw from the people around you.
You tell yourself you'll stop. You know it’s not good for you. Tomorrow will be different. You’ll start a fresh.
But somehow, you find yourself doing exactly the same thing again.
It's easy to become frustrated – I know I did. Feeling stuck repeating unhelpful (and often unhealthy) behaviours, beating ourselves up for lacking the willpower to change.
But what if you're asking the wrong question?
Instead of asking,
"How do I stop doing this?"
try asking,
"What is this helping me cope with?"
Our coping strategies don’t tend to just appear out of nowhere.
At some point in our lives, they usually served a purpose. They helped us manage difficult emotions, stressful situations or experiences that felt too much to cope with at the time.
Perhaps staying busy stopped you from thinking.
Perhaps striving to be perfect helped you avoid criticism.
Perhaps withdrawing protected you from being hurt.
Perhaps food, alcohol or endless scrolling helped you feel comforted when life felt just too much.
It seems obvious to try and stop the unhealthy behaviour, but that’s not actually the best place to start.
The place to start is understanding what need the behaviour is meeting.
Because when we begin to understand why we've developed certain ways of coping, we can respond with compassion rather than criticism.
And from there, real change becomes possible.
My approach to counselling isn't about taking away your coping strategies overnight or judging the ways you've learnt to survive.
I know from experience that’s not helpful.
I am deeply curious about how your experiences and relationships have made you who you are today. Together, we can make sense of your emotions and gently explore whether there are different ways of meeting those needs today.
