I used to cope. Why does everything feel harder now?
Maybe you've always thought of yourself as someone who copes.
After all, you've dealt with difficult things, got on with life and generally felt pretty resilient. Perhaps that’s a word people use to describe you – resilient.
But lately, something feels different.
You're more anxious, less confident, and things you used to take in your stride overwhelm you.
Sometimes, the most confusing part is that you can't really explain why.
"But nothing bad has happened..."
The obvious place to start trying to make sense of how you feel is to take a look at what’s happened recently or in the past. What could have caused this shift?
It can feel comforting to link how you feel to a particularly difficult event – or series of events. I often hear people I work with say;
"But I haven't experienced any major trauma."
Or;
"My life is actually pretty good."
And so often;
"Other people have been through much worse."
What I’ve learned is that how we feel isn't determined only by the big things that have happened to us.
It can be the years of adapting to others’ expectations, taking responsibility too soon and neglecting our needs, or pretending the criticism wasn’t hurtful. Years of playing out relationship patterns that have become so ingrained they’re second nature.
So maybe the change hasn't been sudden
Perhaps you haven't suddenly become less resilient.
Perhaps you've been coping for a very long time. Keeping your head above water and carrying on regardless.
And overtime, the coping strategies that once worked and helped you cope so well have become stretched, or circumstances have changed enough that you have less capacity to keep doing what you've always done.
Understanding yourself can feel uncomfortable
Even if you’ve decided you'd like to understand yourself better, that doesn't necessarily feel comfortable.
Looking beneath the surface can feel daunting.
You may start noticing things you've spent years not thinking about, or questioning patterns that have simply felt "normal" for a lifetime.
Part of you may want to understand, but another part may think, I'd rather leave all of this alone.
That ambivalence is common and completely understandable.
Counselling doesn't mean opening everything up at once. You get to decide what we explore, when we explore it and how far we go.
If you don't feel like yourself at the moment, you don't need to already understand why to reach out for help.
You don't need a major trauma or a neat explanation to justify how you're feeling.
Sometimes counselling starts simply with noticing: "Something feels different, and I'd like to understand it."
You're not broken. There's a reason you feel this way. Together, we can begin to make sense of it.
