" But my parents did their best"

I hear this often when people begin talking about childhood experiences in therapy.

And it’s true that they probably did.

Perhaps they loved you very much. And perhaps, as an adult, you can understand more about the pressures they were under, the childhood they'd had themselves or the things they were dealing with at the time.

You might even feel protective of them. So talking about the things that were difficult can feel uncomfortable; almost disloyal.

Because if your parents did their best, surely you shouldn't criticise them?

Understanding isn't the same as blaming

Exploring our childhood in therapy isn't about deciding whether our parents were good or bad: human relationships are much more complicated than that.

ÞA parent can love their child deeply and struggle to understand their emotions.

ÞThey can want the very best for them and place too much pressure on them.

ÞThey can work incredibly hard to provide for their family and have little emotional energy left to give.

ÞThey can be caring and loving and unpredictable when stressed.

And sometimes parents simply can't give affection, reassurance or emotional support because nobody ever gave those things to them. They simply don’t know where to start.

Understanding why someone behaved as they did can help us feel compassion for them, but it doesn't mean the experience didn't affect us.

Just because there was no intention doesn’t mean there was no impact

Imagine a child who regularly feels frightened by a parent's anger.

The parent may never intend to frighten them. Perhaps they're stressed or overwhelmed, or simply repeating the way conflict was handled in their own childhood.

But the child doesn't understand intention.

They simply learn:

When this happens, I don't feel safe.

So they adapt.

They might become quiet, learn to read other people's moods, try very hard not to make mistakes or become good at keeping everyone happy.

Nobody needs to have intended that outcome for the learning – and adaptation - to take place.

And those ways of coping can follow us into adulthood.

Two things can be true

Sometimes understanding our parents' own experiences helps us see them differently.

Perhaps feelings weren't talked about in their family. Maybe affection wasn't shown. Perhaps they grew up with criticism or were simply taught to “get on with it”. (I see that a lot in certain generations.)

They simply may not have been able to give something they had never received themselves.

That understanding can bring compassion and acceptance.

But acceptance doesn't mean we need to dismiss the sadness, anger or fear we feel.

Maybe, instead, we can acknowledge that two things were true:

“My parents did their best AND there were things I needed that I didn't get.”

“They loved me AND I sometimes felt alone.”

“They provided for me AND I didn't always feel understood.”

“They had their own difficulties AND those difficulties affected me.”

Therapy doesn't put your parents on trial

You don't need to blame your parents, get angry with them or confront them. Therapy can simply give you somewhere to explore your experience.

It can be a place where, instead of asking:

“Why were they like that?”

We can become curious about:

“What was it like for me?”

This type of gentle exploration about how your past shaped how you are today can help explain why conflict feels frightening, why saying no brings guilt, why you feel responsible for other people's emotions or why asking for help feels uncomfortable.

Understanding where those patterns came from isn't about blaming others, it’s about recognising and making sense of your own experience.

Perhaps your parents really did do their best.

And perhaps there were things you needed that they couldn't give you.

Both can be true.

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