The Things I Didn't Want to Hear
The Things I Didn't Want to Hear
When I started my own therapy, I wasn’t completely sure what it would be like or what I hoped to achieve.
I knew I didn’t want to feel this way anymore – always on edge - some might say anxious - trying to make sure I didn’t get things wrong, or appear incompetent. I’d had enough of struggling, of never feeling good about myself, of never feeling that I had done enough. Or that I was enough.
Deep down, I think I wanted my therapist to wave a magic wand and fix me. To somehow, magically, make me feel all better. To make the pesky little voices disappear and bring a sense of calm.
Therapy wasn't quite what I expected
Looking back now - as a therapist myself - I realise that I wasn’t prepared for the effort I would need to put in to get to where I am today. The process of change has been difficult at times, painful even. To acknowledge how relationships and events have shaped me over time and to begin to recognise that things may not have been quite as rosy as I’d believed. That there were things I needed that I didn’t get, so I adapted and learned to cope in my own way.
The process of therapy has involved things I never envisaged: grief, loss, acceptance, letting go.
It has also involved being challenged by my therapist. There were times when I was happy to sink into a pit of self-pity and invited my therapist to swim with me in that pit. But she knew that wouldn’t be helpful.
She was always empathic and kind, but there were times when she needed to challenge my worldview. Instead of agreeing with me in every moment, she would offer a different perspective, or say something that would never come to my mind, let alone out of my mouth.
Those moments felt hard, challenging, even jarring. But on reflection, I see how much they helped me to challenge the narrative I’d constructed about my life. If my therapist had simply reflected my thoughts and feelings with empathy, I would have probably felt a bit better – for a while. But that wouldn’t have brought about the change I was seeking.
I would still have felt stuck.
Feeling heard is just the beginning
I’m not for one moment dismissing the importance of being heard. On the contrary. It’s the very feeling of being deeply understood that created the sense of safety needed to explore difficult truths.
I believe an important part of my role as a therapist is to bring into clients’ awareness the things that sit just on the edge. The repeating patterns, the learned responses, the fixed mindset, maybe the resistance to (and fear of) change. Noticing and gently offering these insights to clients can bring about meaningful self-awareness.
It’s always with empathy and kindness, and at a pace that feels right. My hope is to open up possibilities clients may not have considered, helping them find a different path from the one they’ve followed for years.
To bring about the change they’re seeking.
