Why Do I Feel Guilty When I Put Myself First?

Do you find it difficult to say no?

To be honest about what you really think and end up agreeing to things you don't really want to do?

Perhaps you put other people's needs before your own, do everything you can to avoid disappointing others and go out of your way to keep everyone happy.

Everyone except yourself, that is.

And if you do manage to say no, or decide to do something just for yourself, you feel guilty.

That ‘no’ leaves you reeling in worry about what they might think about you. Even when you know, rationally, that you've done nothing wrong.

So why does putting yourself first feel so uncomfortable?

For the people I work with, it’s often because of what they learned about relationships growing up.

If you were praised for being helpful, easy-going or never causing trouble, you’re likely to keep repeating those learned behaviours that got you praise and acceptance.

If you learned to pay close attention to other people's moods, or discovered that keeping everyone happy was the best way to avoid conflict in a volatile household, that behaviour becomes a familiar pattern.

Whatever your background, you might have come to believe, without consciously realising it, that being liked or accepted or safe from conflict depended on putting other people first.

Other people’s needs, wishes or demands.

And over time, this way of relating to others can become so entrenched that you become known as the reliable one, the thoughtful one, the one who never lets anyone down.

It becomes a part of who you are and it feels alien to put yourself first.

Over time, always putting others needs first can come at a cost.

You might find yourself feeling exhausted, resentful or increasingly disconnected from what you actually want or need.

What saying "no" feels unsafe

Too often, even when you’ve decided you want to set a boundary, something inside you may be telling you that you shouldn't.

It may be connected to an older fear of disappointing someone, being rejected or causing conflict.

And that can make setting boundaries feel surprisingly difficult. Because a part of you might not feel safe to do so.

Counselling can offer a space to explore where these fears and patterns come from and how they affect you and your relationships today.

A space to gradually learn how to work out what you need, and acknowledge that your needs matter too.

And to accept that you can care about other people without always putting yourself last.

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